The author of the following essay prefers to remain anonymous.
"Welcome to this movement of warriors!" This is what one of my closest friends said to me when I told her I was embarking on IVF—an instant infusion of belonging and empowerment.
Before I even started IVF treatment, I needed a break to wrap my mind around the fact that this would be my fertility journey; that I would have a “journey” alone was a lot to process. I kept thinking about all the ways I’ve tried to live a natural lifestyle, and how I thought this part of my life would unfold naturally, too. But things began to click when my sister told me to think about the treatments as enhancements to a natural process. I found myself with a newfound admiration for modern medicine, as well as immense gratitude to have both geographic and economic access to IVF—something I do not take for granted, especially at this moment. Taking that break set me up for what was to come.
For me, the headline thus far has been that I have deeply refined my “tools”: sleep, healthy eating, faith, hydration, vitamins, acupuncture, and knowing who I can confide in when I need to. I have accepted that there are more questions than answers, which at different moments has triggered everything from anguish to elation. But as I’ve focused my attention on the day-to-day experience of IVF treatment, a few answers have crystalized:
What will the hormonal changes do to my body?
Lots of things.
Will I still feel like myself?
Yes and no.
Am I strong enough?
A resounding YES—more than I knew in fact.
Before my first injection, I spent hours envisioning how I would grab the skin a little to the left of my belly button with one hand and inject the syringe with the other. When the moment came I tried at least five times before asking my husband to do it for me. He took the syringe with utmost care and held it in what can only be described as a stabbing position. I took the syringe back and injected myself. I have performed that injection now countless times. These injections can last the duration of an IVF cycle and symptoms can vary.
An early epiphany I had is that while certain outcomes are out of my hands, some things, including how I dress throughout this journey, can be in my control. As with other instances when one’s body can change quickly, this experience is a deep exercise in connecting to your emotional and physical state, and dressing with those feelings in mind.
Bloating, skin sensitivity, and changing bodily temperatures have been the primary symptoms to consider when getting dressed for the day. In the beginning of a cycle, during the stimulation period–stim for short–my pant size can jump anywhere from one to two sizes above my baseline due to bloating. At the end of a cycle, after an egg retrieval, the bloating can remain for a couple weeks, in addition to some degree of skin sensitivity and unexpected bodily temperature changes. Similar symptoms can arise at other points in a cycle as well.
Along with choosing an outfit for symptoms, dressing for appointments is another consideration. For each visit to the doctor, I keep in mind everything from getting blood work done, to being able to easily undress from the waist down for an ultrasound or acupuncture. Depending on where I am in a cycle, my trips to the fertility clinic can range from once every two weeks to five times in one week, sometimes topped off with a procedure. Not to mention acupuncture in between. (If you’re in the New York Metropolitan Area, I highly recommend Lily + Horn.)
There are a few general guideposts I have used for getting dressed during fertility treatments: comfort, cool and organic fabrics, and layers.
On top, a loose tee like the Current/Elliot Cotton Tee—paired with Sezane's Antonetta Cardigan or a Sergio Tacchini Tracksuit Jacket—allows for a versatile outfit that can accommodate blood work and medical tape.
On the bottom, the overall priority is to make sure there is nothing too tight around the midsection—whether to prevent irritation at injection sites, accommodate bloating, or ease changing during appointments. A few favorites include the Issey Miyake-inspired light, airy Uniqlo Pleated Straight Pants or the Because of Alice Cotton Crinkle Wide leg Pant. Sometimes, when a higher rise pant with more give is needed I rock my Lyle Iver Blanket Pants.
Shoes that can be taken off quickly are also necessary, and my go to pair are the Nike Air Max Correlate. An evergreen question is whether to keep my socks on in the examination room. Everyone’s foot has been in the foothold! And what about in the summer when I am wearing sandals? The takeaway: I always have an extra pair of socks in my bag.
The vibe in the waiting room is another thing to keep in mind, since there can sometimes be a host of people waiting. The New York Public Library Baseball Cap has saved me on the days I don’t feel like making eye contact with anyone—a very natural feeling when hormones are fluctuating.
Among things this process has underscored for me is the practice of adaptability—whether to a different phase of the journey or to the symptoms I’m navigating on any given day. How I dress has been a concrete way to adapt both in a physical and emotional sense; there is nothing like feeling comfortable and stylish at the same time. Maybe it's all in preparation for what’s to come? For anyone embarking on their own journey, welcome to the movement of warriors.